I publish this blog from Blogger via FTP and apparently Blogger is shutting that down soon. I don't care enough to migrate or even fix it, really. I dunno. We'll see.
Anyway, this is Villa Malaparte, from Godard's Contempt. Seems apt for this blog. I've fallen out of love with it, but I can't say why. Saturn Returns?
Labels: BAD DOG, BUY ME THIS, DESPERATE AND SAD, FILM
I guess I was real lonely before school started or something cause now that I am not spending 95% of my time in my room I haven't had the urge to post for a while or write in my Dear Public Diary.
Anyway, had a nice vacation in New York with Parker, Smallhead, Willy-Trilly, and Dickie while baby-sitting Becky the dog in DUMBO, then saw the fam and a few friends on a low-key visit to Toronto and Muskoka.
About to settle in and catch up on Jersey Shore under 5 blankets in my uninsulated room. It's like being in Jukkasjarvi. I like it.
After shooting a short film when I get back to New York I'm looking forward to seeing Columbia Film Alum ZOE BELOFF screen her Coney Island Films at THE MOMA on January 18th. Join me, yes?
I dropped out of Columbia. But the good news is that I managed to get late acceptance to Professor Fuzzyblot's Clown College in Utica. I'm majoring in Balloon Sculptorology.
Labels: BAD DOG
Today was my first day of class. I'm so excited. I was at school so early I had time to watch a movie before class started. I watched 8 Women by François Ozon, which stars one of my favourite actors, Isabelle Huppert. I could watch her forever. I'd take her over Catherine Deneuve any day. And the maid, Emmanuelle Béart, looks exactly like Cillian Murphy. It's bizarre how much she looks like him.
I didn't know the film was a musical. It was a pleasant surprise. Izzy's song is the best, of course.
I also have a few posts I haven't published because I couldn't upload images for a while. Seems to be working again so I'll get those up soon.
Also, it turns out I live in Greenpoint, not Williamsburg. I like it here. I sat on my stoop last night for the first time with my Pollack neighbours (is calling them "Pollacks" racist?). It's Polish here, but not Roncesvalles Polish. They are nice and none of them are stealing dirt from the construction sites in the dead of night or blocking the sidewalks or stopping to listen to other people's conversations. That's definitely racist.
You've heard all the bad news over and over again, but when I'm assuaging my guilt for enjoying a cigarette or three I like to read THIS ARTICLE and remember the social and therapeutic benefits of cigarettes. So drop the guilt, cause feeling guilty will make it harder to put them down.
Labels: BAD DOG, DEATH AND DRAMA
Here are some words I'd like to put out of circulation:
Hipster: The only people who use this word are old people, people who are classifiable hipsters themselves, or people who feel excluded. Describing someone as a "hipster" has about the same clout as calling something "funky" or "groovy". It's become a huge blanket term to describe a huge part of the population. Within this population there are subsets of annoying people, and there are subsets of really creative amazing people. It is so frustrating to see art/artists/music/musicians/huge areas of a city/restaurants/bars etc. cast aside and shunned because of the quick and easy label "hipster" being applied to them. And usually it's the worst of the bunch attacking from within. It's like the people who make fun of American Apparel are there the most. The ones who make fun of MGMT are the ones who secretly listen to them. It's basically akin to latent homosexuality. The word has always annoyed me, but I'm fed up with it right now because I'm moving to Williamsburg and I'm sick of people telling me not to move there cause it's full of hipsters. It's cheap, it's nice, it's convenient, and I like it. There, I've said it. Now fuck off.
Fashion-Forward: This term is used only by people who have no clue what they are talking about. If they were truly aware of what fashion is they would never say these words together. Accordingly, anything they label as fashion-forward is definitely not.
Random: This word is used by people who are too lazy to think of even one valid word to describe an event properly. Usually, people say "random" when it's not at all appropriate - such as running into someone on the street. It's not "random" to see someone you know when you're outside of your house or at an event.
Weird: I only want this word to be banned in the context of art or when describing a person. "That picture is weird." This is such a terribly boring way to dismiss something without even taking a moment to consider said thing. "Charlie's weird." I would bet that Charlie isn't weird. I would bet that you're a snore.
Exceptions: Ja'mie can say "random" as much as she likes because she's in private school. Also, you can have a weird day or a weird encounter. Otherwise please stop overusing these words.
Every once in a while I break up with myself. It's painful, but it has to happen. For the dumper side of me it's a relief and I look forward to moving on to bigger and better stuff. For the dumped side of me, I go down the rabbit-hole and am forced to painstakingly analyze everything I've done wrong. I'm like a Mini Wheat. A soggy Mini Wheat.
I was once told by someone who I thought mattered that the most interesting thing about my photographs was seeing my discomfort as a photographer reflected in the expressions of my subjects. I clung to this deduction like it was the only thing that made me unique, and I've just realized that it's something I've been hiding behind.
Ever since I began making images seriously I've bounced back and forth from using just my camera and the sun to making HIGHLY CONTRIVED and constructed work. My struggle for the past few years has been trying to define myself as an artist. How do I reconcile my aesthetic and thematic disparities?
I've often blamed my eclecticism for my difficulties in getting shows with my own work or for failing to get grant money for short films I've written and photo series I've proposed. I thought having done ad work made people think of me less as an artist. I got a big head and thought I was too big for Toronto. But recently I came to the realization that maybe it's not them, it's me (see, it really is like breaking up with myself). And, although I have to keep doing what interests and excites me, maybe I need to grow up a bit, too.
I admit that I like the look of distrust in my photographs, but it's gotten me into trouble. I've always found it more interesting and engaging when my subject doesn't look pretty. I've never been interested in making the people who sit for me look good; I've been interested in making a compelling image. Avedon's images of a despondent Marilyn Monroe are more interesting to me than any other image of her. I've never requested "fierce" from someone I was photographing. It just doesn't thrill me. I find it so disposable. But I've often been unfair to my subjects. I've objectified them because I believed it was more interesting. While I stand by my photographs, while I think they say as much about my insecurities as they do about the subject's, I now understand how cruel I can be.
After spending a couple weeks in San Francisco with photographers at different stages of their careers I was thrown for a loop. Of course I have been around photographers I think are amazing for years, but I mostly went to school with them. I saw them do crap and I saw them do great things and I saw their insecurities and their strengths grow and change as they did. And they saw mine. Being around Parker, Ryan, and Luke changed my mind about what I'm doing and why I'm doing it. I'm sure they all have their insecurities, but unlike my colleagues in Toronto, I didn't see them grow, I just see them now, and I'm humbled in different ways.
PARKER is a brash young thing heading into his first year at California College of the Arts. He's one of those photographers who loves having a camera in his hand and takes it everywhere. He's going to kick my ass big time and he's going to do so well in school. I'm so excited for him and can't wait to see what he'll do. It makes me remember how people who had taken time between high school and university did so much better in the photo program because they really knew they wanted to be there. Parker's really unselfconscious with his camera, he trusts that people want to be photographed and want to be photographed by him, as well they should. I've never had that confidence. I always felt like my subjects were doing me a favour rather than getting anything out of the experience themselves. Watching Parker shoot with such excitement for the medium was both inspiring and disconcerting. I felt like I didn't get nearly as much out of my education as he will. The lucky thing is that I'll get to go back to school this fall. I can't wait to approach my film education with a fervor and understanding that I lacked in my undergraduate experience.
LUKE, who I didn't get to spend a lot of time with but hope to get to know better in New York, is fresh out of UCLA and blowing up the photo world. His work is really fantastic and beautiful and original and varied but coherent - something I aspire to but take too far in some ways.
RYAN is a well-known young photographer who did his MFA at SVA and watching him photograph was so fascinating for me. We use the same camera, but not in the same way. I am sure that in some ways the style of my university education gave me this complex that I have to have a set or a gimmick going on in my photographs in order for people to be interested in them. I've felt like just having my camera wasn't enough, and I felt that from the people who asked me to take photographs of them. I didn't think anyone would trust that my photograph was going to be interesting unless I had a stylist and an elephant on hand and we were going to a treetop village in the Amazon. Watching Ryan trust himself and trust that a camera was all he needed was fascinating. And when I sat for Ryan I suddenly understood how unfair I could be with my subjects. I totally trusted Ryan because I knew his photographs and I knew he would not be unkind to me. It was when I was sitting for him that I understand why people might have been reticent to let me photograph them knowing that my photographs were all about what I wanted them to be, not about who or what they really are.
I have not been a subject for anyone for about six years. I didn't really understand what it was like to be in front of the lens, which I now realize is something a photographer must experience seriously. I thought I knew what it was like to be a subject, and I had disdain for subjects who (I assumed) wanted to "look hot". Both Parker and Ryan photographed me, and while I'll never ask them to retouch an image of me or have the delusion that I'm a model, I see how vulnerable it can make someone feel to be photographed.
So, moving forward, my overarching modus operandi is becoming clearer. When editing my photographs from San Francisco I went down the rabbit-hole because I was afraid others would think them boring landscape photos. But, for once, I'm going ahead with what I believe in rather than what I want people to think is exciting and fresh. I resisted the urge to hide behind digital gimmicks or design tricks and just edited the straight images from an intuitive place.
I see these images as a continuation and purification of what I began in London. London was an accidental beginning to a theme that carried through the photographs in Are We Having Fun Yet? When I went to Mexico I expected this theme to continue, but I mostly just found good people genuinely wanting to enjoy themselves with their families and getting along and having a good time, so the focus shifted. My own solitude began to leak through as I felt on the outside of this group of people I didn't want to judge anymore. This came out as well as a methodical and almost meditative way of photographing. A centre-heavy, Bernd & Hilla Becher informed framing of the subject emerged. I was compelled and excited by this somewhat boring regimented style of photographing. This style reappears in the San Francisco photographs and is even more methodical and unapologetic in its wistful prettiness. I think this way I'm photographing is a foil to the gimmicky pictures I do. It is the most consistently recurrent style of photograph I have taken over any period of time. And it's not to say that I won't have fun with photography and image-making ever again, but I'm really trying to pay attention to what these are and why I'm doing them.
Parker told me that when we went to photograph together that he felt he totally was not a part of my process, that I was working alone. It's true. It needs to be a solitary act for me. I need to get lost in it, I need to feel uninhibited and not judged or scrutinized.
In the end I still haven't been able to pin down what I'm going for, but this way of photographing is leading me by the hand to somewhere I want to be. It's taking me back to the photograph and the medium itself. Kind of purifying it. And it's still me. There are themes that I've always imbued in my work - loneliness, smallness, boredom, apathy, bleached or faded vibrancy, existentialism, and a kind of hush and stillness or stasis beyond the obvious stillness of the photographic medium. I think these themes are not hiding behind anything else anymore. I hope they're not so earnest, that maybe they're a little more natural.
Though all this was a tricky mind-trap to navigate I feel better, lighter, and ready to move forward. I'm still proud of the things I've done. Some things more so than others, but it's all brought me here. And though my work may sometimes be schticky and sloppy, I'm glad to say that I've never approached it from the side of irony.
So for now this Mini Wheat is floating alone, but sugar-side-up in a warm bowl of milk.
Labels: ART, BAD DOG, DEATH AND DRAMA, EW, I MADE THIS. ME. GRAYDON., MAYBE THE FUTURE WILL BE BETTER, NARCISSISM, PHOTOGRAPHY, THINGS I WISH I'D DONE
The Mac's Convenience Store VIRAL CAMPAIGN that I did some spots for in 2007 won a bunch of Golds at THE BESSIES last night. I really truly don't understand how they're still eligible for awards, but whatever. I'll just throw it on my trophy shelf of prizes that don't mean anything anymore and didn't do me any good to begin with.
Labels: BAD DOG
I wrote this post in October of 2007, but I chickened out and didn't publish it that day. I really wish I had remembered this post earlier cause now I'm realizing that I should probably just give people coupons to Burger King instead of discs of crazy. May this be a lesson to my fellow over-zealous, over-emotional Scorpios:
October 27, 2007
I just have a few tips/thoughts on giving someone a mixed tape (or CD or whatever you choose).
I always enjoy a good mixed tape/CD, but here's the thing - they can totally backfire.
I've received a few good ones in my day. I even got a tape delivered to my work once with its own custom-made jean sleeve - it was romantic/scary cause I had only met the guy once and happened to casually mention where I worked while we were talking. I was also involved at the time. But he eventually got a date or two out of it. Basically I'm a whore.
Then when we were dating I got another mixed CD from him. It was painted on top. Now don't get me wrong, I really liked it and all the creativity and effort and such, but it fucked up the disc drive in my computer. But the music was good, as I remember. There were some first exposures to a few artists which is always nice.
But, see, this is the thing...why would songs I've never heard before make me think of him after one date? Or me and him together? Isn't that the intent of a mixed tape? We had no musical experiences together, so what the fuck do I do with music I've never heard before, relation-wise? It might have been different if I heard it for the first time with him, but I'd never heard most of it before, period. So were these songs the ones that reminded him of me? If so, why do I need to hear them? He should just listen to them and think of me and then make me dinner or something I can really use. I think he wanted to show off how much he knew about music or something. MEAN! That's not true. He was sweet. I was cold.
Now, I've made the same mistake for sure. I actually gave the same mix to two different guys that I really liked. How awful is that? I obviously didn't relate experiences with them to the music, but I just wanted to give them something and impress them. It didn't work.
I got the best one I've ever received around this time last year. I was really into him and had seen him around and been asking about him for like 6 months before. Turns out he liked me, too, I guess. But when we finally started hanging out I was dating him for all the wrong reasons (even though he was gorgeous it just wasn't a good fit for me and I knew that but I kept going out with him for selfish reasons). We had hung out like twice I guess, and he gave me the CD. We sat down and he told me the titles of all the songs. "Love" was in more titles than I cared for on a third date.
Here comes the pathetic part.
The music was beautiful, and I listened to it on repeat for about 5 days. Most of the songs were about love, or the losing end of a breakup, or nostalgia - once again these were not things I had experienced with the mix-giver. Ironically, I think the music was so powerful that it slowly changed. It morphed from making me think about the guy that gave it to me and just made me think about the guy I was rebounding from. I think the new guy was sad and romantic. So was I, but I didn't realize it until I listened to the CD he gave me. The CD wasn't for me, it was about him.
Not long after, I broke it off. I think, had it been a different time and place, that relationship could have been good. He was much cooler than me with a lot to offer, (and with much cooler friends), but for once I didn't care about that. It just wasn't right for me.
A couple months ago my mom gave me a box of cassettes to go through after she moved. Among the Bette Midlers and Michelle Shockeds and Lion Kings and Dance Mix 94's was a tape with a single song on it labelled "When You Say Nothing At All." It was the first mix I received from a boy, but it was just one song. It was possibly the gayest song in the world (sung by Ronan Keating from Boyzone). But fuck, it meant something. I destroyed the letter he gave to me when he gave me the tape because I was terrified of someone finding the letter then curbing me (I was 16 and in a small town and American History X had just come out at the video store he worked at), but I remember the letter saying something about how even when I didn't say anything we were still connecting. So cheesy, but so far the most meaningful (though not the best musically).
Now I'm here, listening to the mix I got last year. I have some primordial response to the fall, almost like a seasonal version of olfactory memory. I'm remembering all the boys that have come and gone, the music they gave me mashing up against itself and their memories. Even though some of those compilations backfired at the time, they still stir up something about the men who gave them to me.
I'm looking forward to hearing some new music.
Here's a favourite from a mix - Finger Bib - Aphex Twin:
Labels: BAD DOG, DESPERATE AND SAD, MAYBE THE FUTURE WILL BE BETTER
Labels: BAD DOG
I think that was the most nerve-wracking thing I've ever done! After six weeks (SIX WEEKS) of costume building, prep, and rehearsal, it all came down to performing in front of a big live audience.
I had a wireless mic that turned out not to work at the last second so I had to use a wired mic without ever having practiced with it before. In any case, having popped my drag cherry, I have a whole new respect for queens and what it takes to get an audience's attention. But I am so happy that I went all out and that my crew was so helpful. Thanks to Jeremy, Ryan, Vanessa, and of course Proddy and Mary for letting me jump onto a giant wiener in front of an audience.
Labels: BAD DOG, I MADE THIS. ME. GRAYDON., MAYBE THE FUTURE WILL BE BETTER, NARCISSISM, REALLY FUCKING GAY
Girlfriends you all need to come to Hotnuts this Saturday night at The Beaver in Toronto:
Performance by Olive Oyl (HINT HINT)
Certified Dipping Sauce Contest
Hosted by Mary Messhausen
DJs Bitz and produzentin
Bitz is finally back from Frankfurt and working the turntables. After 4 weeks of pilates, Mary is slim as a birch. And from what we heard, Olive Oyl has something rather special to dip.
Get ready for the certified dipping sauce contest.
We need cute girls & boys with super sensitive taste buds on stage.
Of course, the wonderful El Bear Ho will greet you at the door.
$5 cover, free in drag
See you Saturday, Sweetpeas!
Labels: BAD DOG, REALLY FUCKING GAY
There are 99 types of photographer that people think you are before you can explain to them what you actually do.
From THIS site:
99 WAYS FOR A PHOTOGRAPHER TO MAKE MONEY
SPECIAL EVENTS
1. Photograph vocational school graduates
2. Wedding photographer
3. Photograph large parties
4. Photograph at banquets
5. Prom and graduation photos
6. Photograph fashion shows
7. Photograph trade shows
8. Wedding movies
9. Photograph new stores' grand openings
10. Photograph local performances
11. Commencement day photographs
PEOPLE
12. Take pictures of people mounted on ha horse
13. Make Polaroid pictures of seamen going abroad
14. Take pictures of people wearing special costumes
15. Photograph people on a fancy motorcycle
16. Take pictures of people in nightclubs
17. Take pictures on the beach
18. Antique photo shop - produce 1890's type portraits for the
"nostalgic crazy"
19. Take ID photos
20. Take passport photos
21. Specialize in legal photography
22. Produce community yearbooks
23. Produce company year books
24. Produce composites for models, actors and actresses
25. Photo fund raising
26. Take slow-motion sports film for athletes
27. Take executive portraits
28. Photograph children on a pony
29. Take portraits of children in department stores or malls
30. A day in a child's life - an album of 30 pictures
31. School photography
32. Santa Claus portraits
33. Traveling industrial photographer
34. Illustrate manufacturers' sales manuals and catalogs
35. Illustrate manufacturers' sales manuals and catalogs
36. Public relation photos for business
37. Photograph store fronts
38. Produce progress photos on construction sites
39. Real estate photography
40. Produce illustrated promotional brochures for business
firms, hotels, etc.
41. Interior decorator's photographer
42. Photograph in-store merchandise displays
ON THE ROAD
43. Foreign fashion photography for textile and fashion
manufacturers
44. Photograph tourists in famous places
45. Summer camp photographer
46. Roving festival photographer
47. Sell scenic prints to gift shops and hotels
48. Offer personalized vacation photo packages to resort clients
49. Sell slide shows of interesting places or subjects
50. Build a mobile portrait studio in a trailer or van
51. Be a slide-show lecturer on different subjects and
geographic locations
MAKING NOVELTIES
52. Candid keychain photos
53. Photo stamps
54. Color postcards for hotels or resorts
55. Exceptional color scenes for calendar printers
56. Personalized Christmas cards - with family portraits or
photos of family home
57. Photo buttons
58. Photographs on coffee mugs
59. Photographs on shirts
60. Imprint a photograph of a child on the face of her doll
61. Photo sculptures
62. Bookends adorned with any desired photographic subject
63. Decorative photo plaques
64. Personalized photo matchbooks
65. Instant personal postcards by gluing Polaroid shots to blank
postcards
66. Stationery imprinted with personal portraits
67. Custom calendars
SERVICES
68. A microfilming service
69. Photo duplicating service
70. Slide duplicating service
71. Restoring old photos
72. Producing filmstrips
73. Duplicating negatives to sell
74. Slide-titling service
75. Making offset negatives and plates
76. Collecting old photos to make into books
77. Making photomurals
78. Retouching service
79. Custom photo lab
80. Blowing up photos, on the spot
81. Photo oil portraits
82. Selling prints to photo agencies
83. Camera rental
84. Camera exchange
85. Repairing cameras
86. Teaching photography
MISCELLANEOUS
87. Making postcards
88. Publicity photography
89. Photographic essays for various publications
90. TV news freelancing
91. Selling news photos
92. Taking and selling peculiar photos
93. Selling local photos for travel magazines
94. Aerial photography
95. Documentary film making
96. Photos of human interest
97. Composing photo guides for tourists
98. Photographing accidents for lawyers and insurance companies
99. Photographing parades
From THIS site:
99 WAYS FOR A PHOTOGRAPHER TO MAKE MONEY
SPECIAL EVENTS
1. Photograph vocational school graduates
2. Wedding photographer
3. Photograph large parties
4. Photograph at banquets
5. Prom and graduation photos
6. Photograph fashion shows
7. Photograph trade shows
8. Wedding movies
9. Photograph new stores' grand openings
10. Photograph local performances
11. Commencement day photographs
PEOPLE
12. Take pictures of people mounted on ha horse
13. Make Polaroid pictures of seamen going abroad
14. Take pictures of people wearing special costumes
15. Photograph people on a fancy motorcycle
16. Take pictures of people in nightclubs
17. Take pictures on the beach
18. Antique photo shop - produce 1890's type portraits for the
"nostalgic crazy"
19. Take ID photos
20. Take passport photos
21. Specialize in legal photography
22. Produce community yearbooks
23. Produce company year books
24. Produce composites for models, actors and actresses
25. Photo fund raising
26. Take slow-motion sports film for athletes
27. Take executive portraits
28. Photograph children on a pony
29. Take portraits of children in department stores or malls
30. A day in a child's life - an album of 30 pictures
31. School photography
32. Santa Claus portraits
33. Traveling industrial photographer
34. Illustrate manufacturers' sales manuals and catalogs
35. Illustrate manufacturers' sales manuals and catalogs
36. Public relation photos for business
37. Photograph store fronts
38. Produce progress photos on construction sites
39. Real estate photography
40. Produce illustrated promotional brochures for business
firms, hotels, etc.
41. Interior decorator's photographer
42. Photograph in-store merchandise displays
ON THE ROAD
43. Foreign fashion photography for textile and fashion
manufacturers
44. Photograph tourists in famous places
45. Summer camp photographer
46. Roving festival photographer
47. Sell scenic prints to gift shops and hotels
48. Offer personalized vacation photo packages to resort clients
49. Sell slide shows of interesting places or subjects
50. Build a mobile portrait studio in a trailer or van
51. Be a slide-show lecturer on different subjects and
geographic locations
MAKING NOVELTIES
52. Candid keychain photos
53. Photo stamps
54. Color postcards for hotels or resorts
55. Exceptional color scenes for calendar printers
56. Personalized Christmas cards - with family portraits or
photos of family home
57. Photo buttons
58. Photographs on coffee mugs
59. Photographs on shirts
60. Imprint a photograph of a child on the face of her doll
61. Photo sculptures
62. Bookends adorned with any desired photographic subject
63. Decorative photo plaques
64. Personalized photo matchbooks
65. Instant personal postcards by gluing Polaroid shots to blank
postcards
66. Stationery imprinted with personal portraits
67. Custom calendars
SERVICES
68. A microfilming service
69. Photo duplicating service
70. Slide duplicating service
71. Restoring old photos
72. Producing filmstrips
73. Duplicating negatives to sell
74. Slide-titling service
75. Making offset negatives and plates
76. Collecting old photos to make into books
77. Making photomurals
78. Retouching service
79. Custom photo lab
80. Blowing up photos, on the spot
81. Photo oil portraits
82. Selling prints to photo agencies
83. Camera rental
84. Camera exchange
85. Repairing cameras
86. Teaching photography
MISCELLANEOUS
87. Making postcards
88. Publicity photography
89. Photographic essays for various publications
90. TV news freelancing
91. Selling news photos
92. Taking and selling peculiar photos
93. Selling local photos for travel magazines
94. Aerial photography
95. Documentary film making
96. Photos of human interest
97. Composing photo guides for tourists
98. Photographing accidents for lawyers and insurance companies
99. Photographing parades
Labels: BAD DOG
My trip to the US last week was a whirlwind affair. I took the bus down coz I'm po', and arrived at Penn Station at 5:40 on Wednesday morning. I ran out to Brooklyn and drank big coffees at VERB before I could get into my sublet to drop my stuff off and take a shower, then ran back to Manhattan. First stop - Columbia University. Gorgeous campus on the Upper East Side. I had never been and knew very little about the school so I walked around and gave myself a little tour. Then I went to the Film School and got to speak to some people and ask all my questions. They gave me DVDs of student work and all the info I needed.
Then I went to SCHILLER'S in the East Village to have a greasy lunch and watch a couple of the student films on my laptop while I ate. After lunch I went to BBLESSING and had a look, not that I could buy anything at the moment. Then I checked out the Elizabeth Peyton show at the NEW MUSEUM but I wasn't that into it - I kind of get turned off by paintings of cool people, not because they're not good, but because it makes me feel like I'm a loser again cause I'm not friends with those people.
Elizabeth Peyton's "Live to Ride" at the New Museum:
Next stop, ZOMBA on Madison Ave. to pick something up. I could feel Britney all around me.
Finally, off to NYU Tisch for their info session - which was much more administrative than informative which was a little disappointing...but I got to ask what I needed to ask.
Back on the L Train to Brooklyn where I ran into WHITNEY, one of the winners of America's Next Top Model. Poor thing isn't fat anymore, she's just a pretty girl now.
Whitney in her glory day:
Quick rest up and check in to see if anyone was up for a drink or dinner, but alas everyone was busy or non-responsive and I was starving so I went to BONITA, my favourite Mexican restaurant in Brooklyn, for some Mexican Corn, Fish Tacos, and Sangria while I finished reading CAMERA LUCIDA.
Back at the sublet I checked out what was going on in New York, and almost went to the BAD ART AUCTION in Manhattan, but decided to check out THE METROPOLITAN in Williamsburg instead. It turned out to be ladies night, so I downed a pint in .2 seconds flat, waved goodbye to all the lesbians ("Enjoy your death trap, ladies!"), and headed back to the apartment before midnight for an amazing sleep.
Thursday I was up at the crack of nine, heading to Grand Central to catch the Metro North to New Haven. A couple hours later I arrived at YALE SCHOOL OF ART for their open house. I was early, but so were the other 50 people who were on the shuttle-bus with me. We sized each other up silently on the short trip. When we arrived we signed up for the open house at the school and then had half an hour to kill. I checked out the CURRENT FIRST YEAR MFA SHOW and was excited. It wasn't the most polished work, but it was all fascinating and invigorating - especially considering they had put it together within a short month and a half. Ran across the street for a coffee, then headed back to the atrium for the open house with visions of being the idiot who spilled his coffee and caused a ruckus during the introducton. I sat next to a woman in the overcrowded room as we both hoped this was a usual turnout, rather than an especially competitive year. After looking around for a while I turned to her and said "Everyone's so pretty..." And they were. Skinny, polished, fashionable assholes everywhere you turned.
The dean, ROBERT STORR, spoke beautifully about the school, its history, and its philosophy. I was filled with excitement because everything he said was exactly in line with what I wanted from grad school and where I felt I was in my career. But I suppose that's why it's such a good school.
The group broke off into their respective areas of prospective study. I went down to "The Pool" - the crit room for the photography course. GREGORY CREWDSON and RICHARD BENSON led a presentation on the photography program, along with some first and second year students. Then we broke and they served some food and I got to speak with Crewdson a little bit, which was gut-wrenching and exciting and affirming. Then it was back to the station to catch the bus to Boston.
Richard Benson:
Five annoying hours later I arrived at MASSART and met JOBANANA. She took me on a tour of the school and then we ate Kraft Dinner with cream and margarine and washed it down with Trader Joe's. Oh student life.
4 hours of sleep and then we were up at 5:30AM to catch the bus back to New York with a handful of Jobanana's classmates. Upon arriving we went to APERTURE in Chelsea to see the LUIGI GHIRRI show, which didn't blow me away save for a couple images. Then we met up with ABELARDO MORELL, Jobanana's professor, to get a tour of the WILLIAM EGGLESTON show at THE WHITNEY by one of the curators of the show. It was amazing to see the godfather of modern colour photography's prints and video work with the insightful commentary of a curator.
Abelardo Morell's "Camera Obscura: View of Volta Del Canal in Palazzo Room Painted With Jungle Motif, Venice, Italy", 2008:
William Eggleston's "Untitled", 1975:
Downstairs at The Whitney we saw CORRIN HEWITT doing his exhibitionist photo-performance. Then I got to sit down with Abelardo (Abe) and talk with him and the class about the shows and why I was applying to grad school. So amazing to have had that chance.
Corin Hewitt's "Seed Stage" at The Whitney:
Then it was off to THE MET to meet a curator from the photography department, Jeff Rosenheim, who greeted Abe like an old chum which was really impressive. Jeff then took us through a few exhibitions, including REALITY CHECK, an exhibition about truth and representation in photography which was of particular interest and concern to me as it related to my work a whole lot - particularly CRAIG KALPAKJIAN and JULIAN FAULHABER (whose print was cleverly hung facing THOMAS DEMAND'S). Crewdson's photo was also hanging in that show.
Craig Kalpakjian's computer generated photo-realistic "Corridor":
Julian Faulhaber's "Tankstelle":
Thomas Demand's "Attempt" - made out of construction paper:
Gregory Crewdson's incredible 48x60 inch "car and spooky garage from Twilight":
The other show he guided us through was an ACQUISITIONS show, which he was so excited about, and it rubbed off. Being in the same room with Van Gogh, Brancusi, and Thomas Struth was pretty great. I was also struck by SARAH GOODRIDGE'S "Beauty Revealed" and ADELINE HARRIS SEARS' "Autograph Quilt" (but superficially cause of the cubes).
Sarah Goodridge's comment on marriage, "Beauty Revealed":
Adeline Harris Sears' beautiful and architectural "Autograph Quilt":
Finally, JoJo and I split from Abe and the class to go to The MOMA to see PIPILOTTI RIST'S POUR YOUR BODY OUT (7354 CUBIC METRES).
Pipilotti Rist discusses her installation at The MOMA:
Johanna's phone photos of the Pipilotti Rist installation:
Johanna sipping a Margarita:
Spent, we headed back to our friend's to crash.
Saturday we slept in, had Polish bagels with veggie cream cheese and milky tea, went to BEACON'S CLOSET where I found a great velvet and vinyl sweater (sounds gross but it's great) and a t-shirt with boobie drawings on it, then headed into Manhattan. We met MIMI (our friend who was kind enough to let us crash at her place) at PACE MACGILL GALLERY where she works, and saw the Richard Benson show (one of the professors from Yale) and got to see/hold some PHILIP-LORCA DICORCIA prints (another Yale prof) prints, some WILLIAM CHRISTENBERRY prints, some TOD PAPAGEORGE prints (another Yale prof/director), and see a rare platinum-palladium IRVING PENN print.
Philip-Lorca diCorcia:
William Christenberry:
Tod Papageorge:
Then we went across the street to BONNI BENRUBI to see ABE'S SHOW and really be blown away by having spent the day with him on Friday. I was so inspired and impressed and excited to see his prints in person.
Abelardo Morell's "Nadelman/Hopper -Yale University Art Gallery", 2008 - the colours in this are incredible in person:
Then Gingerbread Lattes at Trump Tower, a tour through BENDEL'S, and back to Brooklyn for a DARK AND STORMY (it was a ginger-filled day) and round two at Bonita. This time I had fish tacos and Mexican Corn again, but a CHELADA instead of sangria, and we had a chance to catch up with Mimi.
Dark and Stormy me having a Dark and Stormy:
Then Johanna and I drank KALIMOTXOS and wine and figured out I am ripped and had an art/life meltdown of big intensity over $2 Pabst Blue Ribbons at CLEM'S.
Sunday morning, Johanna and Mimi had left and I was on my own. I grabbed a coffee and headed into Manhattan for a leisurely walk through Central Park on my way to THE AMERICAN MUSEUM OF NATURAL HISTORY, cause I had never been. I ended up getting pretty distracted upon entering the museum, so I did a SQUID AND THE WHALE tour, checked out the Mexico wing, then left while still trembling. Bugged out, I decided to do an easy stroll down good old Bleecker, where I saw an overly tanned (and taller than expected) VALENTINO, then wound up at CARACAS for yet another South American meal and a beer.
That beer led to a litre of Sapporo from the convenience store on the way back to Brooklyn where I gathered my things and settled my nerves before heading to the overnight bus, where I ran into my unwitting muse ADRIENNE. Then I popped 4 Gravol and clicked my heels and was at Union Station having McDonald's breakfast with iced coffee before I could say "Snickerdoodle".
And that was my trip! I'm so excited because I felt at home and validated and affirmed at all those things after the past while of rejection and questioning...
Coming soon...Owen Pallett photos and a video in January that I'm really exciteg about.
Labels: ART, BAD DOG, JEALOUSY, MAYBE THE FUTURE WILL BE BETTER, PAINTING, PHOTOGRAPHY
Okay, it's been bugging me all day that I said "soul-filling" in my last post. That was gross and I apologize.
I don't know whose image that is.
Labels: BAD DOG
Another test from a series I'm working on. Now don't go getting boners, the naked man is not me, he's from Google Images.
Labels: BAD DOG, I MADE THIS. ME. GRAYDON.
Some whining I did in the winter. The last one was supposed to say "Hey Can I Borrow $100?" but I decided to go to sleep instead of finishing it.
Labels: BAD DOG, DESPERATE AND SAD, HOW TO PROCRASTINATE, I MADE THIS. ME. GRAYDON.
Labels: BAD DOG
Next up: "iTunes Essentials: Black People Music."
When are people going to stop doing shit like this?
Lord almighty.
Labels: BAD DOG, DEATH AND DRAMA, DESPERATE AND SAD, MUSIC, REALLY FUCKING GAY
Where's Busy Bee? Huh? Where's Busy Bee?
So I came back from Mexico, then produced, location scouted, art-directed, styled, shot, and directed a commercial in 4 days (with help from the talented and funny ha-ha JAMIE CAMPBELL), then stayed up all night after the shoot to pack my house, then did returns, then moved. Then my eye swelled up and I had to go to bed.
But now I'm back, and I have internet again!
So to celebrate here's a video of Kodi and myself doing PROMENADE back in January.
Labels: BAD DOG
Near Tulum in Quintana Roo province, Mexico (the region that Joan Didion named her daughter after, RIP), past the barbed-wire fence, I sat on blackened rock beside a tide-pool containing hermit crabs, anemone, and a blue plastic Pepsi bottle-cap. It was late afternoon on my second day at an ALL INCLUSIVE RESORT. Looking left I saw, in the distance, the sunburnt families splayed on chaise lounges dotting the groomed beach. To the right were wild shores and jungle palms. In front of me crashing azulejo waves and the ocean horizon. Surrounded by a stock-pile of resort beer I wrote:
I am Morvern Callar. I swim past the pool bar, alligator eyes poking up. They are something to be afraid of (both the people and my eyes). That's not to say I don't enjoy this place; it's gorgeous. But, I don't think I enjoy it the way I'm meant to.
Last night I swung in a hammock listening to Joni, Joanna, and Natasha (not Beddingfield) after walking on the deserted part of the beach. White sands glowing in the moonlight, fierce winds, crashing ocean (violent, infinite, and black), beer in hand and more where that came from, and a tiny bit of fear. Everything as it should have been. Why wasn't everyone out there?
I crave cigarettes, _______________, and ________________. I'm not lacking in enjoyment, though. Like I said, I'm loving this, but not the way they want me to. While frat-boys date-rape the willing I lurk the dark beach, occasionally stopping in at the perpetual wedding reception's open bar for a glass of champagne.
Suckers.
Yeah, so basically I drank a lot. I also took a bunch of photos, went to Chichen Itza, hung out with my dad, met and went out with people who dance for the resort (nobody puts Graydie in a corner!), got a tan (I look like such a typical gay now with my short hair and too-dark-for-March skin), read, wrote, walked, swam, drank, ate, drank, slept, listened to music, saw poor scraggle-doggies with big boobies scrounging for food, drank, oggled, and ate.
As for the photos, I planned to continue with my "Are We Having Fun Yet?" series...but it didn't work. Like I just wrote to Claire, I expected to find lots of sad fat gluttons trying to get happy - but I found that, unlike "Are We Having Fun Yet?" the people knew exactly why they were in Mexico - they weren't looking for distraction or happiness, they just wanted to do nothing, so it wasn't that compelling. In AWHFY? I saw myself in the people I photographed. There was some relationship to the subject and empathy in those photos. But had I just taken photographs of the people at the all-inclusive, I think it would have been purely judgmental, which I totally am, but that kind of photograph is a bit played out in my opinion. I also wasn't nearly as anonymous as I was at the fair because there were no flashing lights or spinning rides or candy-corn booths. I would pull out my camera and 18 people would look up from their books to stare at me.
I'll put up the photos I did take as soon as I can afford to process and scan them.
I was also wrong in my last post - I didn't go to Cancun, but about an hour and a half South to a place called Akumal, near Tulum.
Labels: BAD DOG
I'll admit that I'm drunk right now. That said, I've come to the conclusion over the past while that I don't believe in free will...but I do believe in the illusion of free will.
I first believed in the absence of free will when I thought of our minds and consciousnesses as only an impossible-to-imagine amount of neurons and firing synapses. These synapses and electrical impulses are all very complex, but still only governed by the laws of physics...and these physical interactions manifest themselves in a way that feels like conscious free will - which is an illusion. Our conscious actions are all simply manifestations of physical action and reaction in our brains. Our brains are super-computers. Our brains are artificial intelligence; so complex that we can't yet understand them, and thus attribute a mystical concept called "consciousness" to it.
It's much like faith in God. We attribute the inexplicable to deism. Atheists attribute our sense of free will to consciousness, as did I until recently.
Then I had that thought about those millions and billions and trillions of pathways that electricity takes in our neural pathways, and how every decision I make comes about because of these trabillions of tiny explosions, not because I wanted them to.
I wondered about a good analogy for that, and somehow I landed on Plinko from The Price is Right. Plinko is the most beloved game on The Price is Right. When this connection between free will and Plinko just happened, I completely understood why it was so popular. The little disk that gets dropped into the myriad of pins seems to have a life of its own. There is no telling where a disk dropped on the far left of the board will end up. It appears completely random, as if it has free will. It acts within the boundaries of the board - in effect it will never jump out of the board and hit a contestant in the face. And it is governed by the laws of physics - it bounces against the pegs and always ends up at the bottom because of gravity. But it always appears to be going along its own route, unpredictable and playful. This is a microcosm of the human mind. It appears to be making decisions at will. That's why Plinko's so popular; people relate to its random but willful appearance. The disk looks like it wants to go a certain direction, when in reality it is governed only by physics and gravity.
If someone gets a disk in the right hole at the bottom, they try to drop a disc from the same spot the next turn. But it never plays out the same way. This is because you can never get the disc in the exact same spot twice in a row. Italics! The Plinko chip will always be off by an atom or two at least, and thus can never take the same path.
In this respect, it becomes a lot like the human mind, the human experience. We appear to be bouncing along, somewhat randomly, but in reality our synapses are operating under the laws of physics, and a thought you think you've created is really just a chance combination of electric impulses. You might think "How could it be chance impulse to have the idea to create the telephone after deciding to sit down and invent a communication device?" Well, I didn't say it was simple chance, and I don't pretend to know everything about consciousness, but it's chance nonetheless, and I'll try to explain why as best I can, if you care.
Think of nothingness. Think of the possibility that our universe was born from nothing. It's almost impossible. Think of "never". Like someone dying and you never seeing them again. Think of infinity - as in the infinity of space - that it literally never ends. Then think of the question "What's outside our universe?" and the answer being "There is nothing outside our universe, it is infinitely large, and it never ends." Then think of your mind as the inverse of that infinite expanse of space. The amount of neurons and synapses and the number of combinations of synapses firing and how infinite that is. So that's like the infinite number of monkeys at an infinite number of typewriters who eventually will write every piece of literature ever written (though I find that analogy problematic, it will do for now). So your infinite possibilities lie in your infinite combination of synapses firing and interacting. Anything is possible. But like Plinko, where everything is possible for that disk, hitting those pegs, governed by gravity and physics, everything you do is within the realm of possibilities allowed by the physical limits of your brain's anatomy as governed by the laws of physics. The Plinko chip is not going to fly off the board and hit an audience member, and you are not going to make someone's head explode just by thinking about it (as fun as that sounds). You still with me? Probably not...but I'm gonna keep going.
Okay, so you understand that maybe our brains are like giant and infinitely complex Plinko games, yes? The chips are electric impulses and the pegs are the synapses and neural pathways. So the electric impulses travel down these pathways and fire and make us do things. So maybe these chips are all already in motion and hitting the pegs and making us do things and we have no control over them...but we think we do cause they're so complex. They're so complex that even though we have no control over them they make us believe we do, and even allow us to be aware of that contradiction. If you think of it as a timeline, we generally believe this: First, something called "consciousness" or our "conscious mind" makes a decision, then our brain sends a message, then our body does it. For example, you want a potato chip. The conscious desire for a potato chip comes first, then your brain sends a message to your hand to reach out and grab a chip, then your hand reaches out and grabs a chip. But there are experiments that show otherwise. This is where it starts to get a bit fucked up. There have been studies that show that before you make a "conscious decision" you are already doing something. So to put it another way, these studies show that first your brain sends a message to your hand to reach out and grab a potato chip, then you feel the "conscious desire" to want a potato chip, then your hand reaches out and grabs a potato chip. There are studies that actually suggest your brain backtimes conscious decision to match up with physical action and reaction. REALLY READ THIS: It is possible that your brain sends signals BACK IN TIME to give you the sensation that you made a "CONSCIOUS DECISION" before you acted on it.
THAT'S FUCKED UP! That means that truly, scientifically proven, there may not be such a thing as free will. And not only that, but that our brains have developed in a way that convinces us that we are in control of our decisions (while also being capable of disproving that). It's a meta-mind-fuck.
If you think that can't be so, go back to what I said earlier about the infinity of the universe. So think about why infinity feels impossible. Think about why we can't imagine something like the idea that there is no boundary to the universe, or that there is nothing beyond the universe. Maybe we are just not capable of understanding the concepts of NOTHING, INFINITY, and NEVER. That's why we made up things like God and Heaven and reincarnation and so on - to fill up the infinity of the nothing-never with things we can understand. So if it's possible that we are simply not equipped to understand those concepts (how can we imaging the nothingness that lies outside of the universe? Is it black? Even black is something...) then maybe it's possible that we are simply not equipped to understand the complexity of our brains. If we can't understand a simple concept like nothingness, then why should we be able to understand the infinitely complex connections in our brains. Also keep in mind that people used to think the Sun revolved around Earth, and that they could not possibly conceive of the fact that the Earth goes around the Sun. So think of the concept of infinity or nothingness or never. It is impossible for our minds to understand it right now, even though it exists and we are aware of it abstractly (like the number 0 - that is an abstract concept, not a physical thing). And hopefully someone will be able to explain infinity-never-nothing and it will become clear, like the Earth going around the Sun, and the world not being flat, and all the other millions of things that we have come to understand over our existence.
Anyway, it's terrifying but freeing. The next step of existentialism. It's a God-free religion, the other side of the deep well of existential darkness - belief in something intangible again. I no longer believe that I am in control of my life, but that I make the decisions I make based only on how my synapses have fired so far. I know that if I lived my life all over again exactly as I've lived my life up until this exact moment I could only make the same decisions. That is to say that if I lived this exact life again, not knowing I had lived this life before, I would make the exact same choices. I am like a Plinko chip. If I was dropped in the exact same spot, and all the pegs were in the exact same place, I would bounce along in the exact same way.
Now...that brings us to quantum physics and alternate universes...and that's a whole other drunken rambling blog post. This is all more for me than it is for you assholes. I know you're not reading this.
Labels: BAD DOG, HOW TO PROCRASTINATE, I MADE THIS. ME. GRAYDON., MAYBE THE FUTURE WILL BE BETTER, NOBODY LIKES A NERD
Peta set up THIS WEBSITE to trash the Olsens for wearing fur.
You can watch a Full House spoof video, send "The Trollsens" a message, or DRESS THEM UP.
In case you haven't guessed I love those chicas. Have I told you about when I rang up Ashley's purchases once and asked her for ID when her credit card wasn't signed? Oh yeah, I probably have. Best day of my life. She didn't think it was that funny.
They could skin a white tiger and wear it for half an hour then throw it in a tub of acid for all I care. As long as they're happy.
Hilary Alexander says "As long as you don't use endangered species, I think it's perfectly acceptable to wear fur."
Link via DLISTED.
Labels: BAD DOG, DEATH AND DRAMA
Did he see my HILDUFF video or something?
Naw....HE RIPPED HIMSELF OFF.
Thanks to Kevin for posting this.
Labels: BAD DOG, THINGS I WISH I'D DONE
Some great images I found while watching BLOGGER PLAY:
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Labels: BAD DOG, DESPERATE AND SAD, HOW TO PROCRASTINATE, MAYBE THE FUTURE WILL BE BETTER, THINGS I WISH I'D DONE